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5th April 2008


 I hate the fact that you have caused me to lose two years of ground with myself when I've known you less than NINE months. You've made me question relationships I've had with people for over SEVEN YEARS and the fact is that because you think that I am a "Selfish, manipulating bitch" that I have actually questioned wheteher I am instead of believing my OWN FUCKING SELF. I can't believe you did this to me. I can't stand you. I don't want to talk to you or your goddamn friends. I hope you realize how pathetic you are for lusting after an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY. He's gay, too, so I hope you realize that. There's a reason he left you BECAUSE HE REALIZED WHAT A FUCKING BITCH YOU ARE. And you're just jealous of the fact that my relationship with my boyfriend reminds you of what you used to have. I can't help that. I've stood by you, thick and thin, even when you've treated me horribly, but no, you go and do this to me and turn my goddamn friends against me? In the words of Saves the Day:

You know what?
The next time you see Nick Amber
Tell [her]I'm gonna stick some needles in [her] face
And watch [her] on [her]knees
Watch [her] when [she] sees that I'm not fooling
'Cause I'm through being cool
And [she] keeps telling everyone about me
Like how I'm such a fool and that I'm so deceptive

I think I'll make [her] eat the ground

(think outloud)

5th June 2006

inefable11:23am: Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

(think outloud)

2nd March 2006

inefable3:50pm: I NEED EVERYONES HELP!!

lately, ive had this crazy obsession with music. i talk about it constantly, i live it, i breath it. song lyrics end up being the way i express myself. i find a new artist daily that i fall in love with, and all i want to do is share it with other people.

SOOO....i made a new community.


join. tell your friends. tell your friends friends.

im going to have new artists featured weekly, and would LOVE to have other peoples input on their favorite music.


(think outloud)

10th January 2006

blackbeautyxx5:47pm: new community
This community is for people who are participating in Discovery's eight week Body Challenge. We've decided that we'd like to try it, and thought it'd be a good idea to start a community that could act as a support group on the side. Myself (Mon) and my girlfriend (Dra) are the moderators. We want only seriously motivated and supportive people to join. This community is for sharing your emotions and progress, and anything else that might come up. Join and share your hints, before and afters, progress photos, rants and raves etc.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


x posted. i hope i didnt break any rules.

(think outloud)

4th January 2006

starstruckdream10:28pm: I wanted you to kiss me so bad I could taste it. It was all I could do not to get out of my car and run after you and throw my arms around your neck and kiss you like I wanted to all night. I loved when you put your head on top of mine, and twisted your fingers in mine. I loved when you would immediately gave me your sweatshirt when I said I was cold even though you were freezing too. I love how you used being cold as an excuse to get close to me. I love that you were unsure of whether or not kissing me would be what I wanted, so you held it. I love that you walked me to my car. I love that you delayed me leaving for as long as possible. I love the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I think of you. I love how I can't stop thinking about you. I love that you know I'm so fucked up and you still like me.

God, I wish you would have kissed me.

(think outloud)

21st December 2005

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Have a fantastic holiday (if you get one) and i hope that 2006 brings more joy than heartache!!


(think outloud)

15th November 2005

crimsonnicole11:21am: I'm tired of being your sounding board.
I'm tired of fluffing up your bruised ego only to be discarded moments later.
I'm tired of you not seeing me for who I am.
I'm tired of seeing you walk away.

I have to have limits, but you keep pushing them further. I keep waiting for my self preservation to kick in, but its no where in sight. I wish I weren't so happy to see you when you only leave me wounded. Don't bother saying your'e sorry. I've heard that broken record and you haven't meant it yet. I miss being honest with eachother. I look at you and miss what we were. What we are now is killing me inside.

(think outloud)

27th August 2005

starstruckdream2:39pm: You know, I've wasted countless hours thinking of how you fucked me over...thinking of all the lies you told about me, and I just sit and wonder, does it make you feel any better? I'm sorry that he wanted me and not you, but that's not my fault. I don't want him anyway. And it's sad to know that you'd know that if it came between you and him, I wouldn't have even had to choose, it would have been you. but the answer's not so clear on your side, is it? You've got all your frienda now, isn't it sad you don't have any real firends that are graduating this year? You've sunk so low you can only get a vague hero-worship from stupid fucking underclassmen. I spent the whole summer saying "fucking bitch" after your name for all the things you've done to me. You made something very personal for me PUBLIC. You made fun of me to my face. You said everyone hate me. You pitted my own friends against me. How fucking sad are you, now?

And now, the sad thing is I've finally realize you're just fucking pathetic. And jealous. And you're worthy of my pity, because you can't see I was the best friend you'd ever had.

(think outloud)

13th July 2005

lovesforsaken2510:27pm: WhY cAnt I juSt foRgeT HiM fOrEVeR?!
Why must i know of your existence?
Cant I go an hour without ur memory in my face, being persistant?

Persistant in making me think of you, gone..
Making me hurt, regret, wonder, begging God for a new dawn!

Just bc I want you to never be in my life again
Doesnt mean I dont think about what could have been.

My realistic side knows..
Misery, deprevation, unloved, gradually becoming foes.

My sentimental side still smiles when i think of you..
All the while hating you, hoping u get what is due!

How can one be so bitter over this piece of shit?
I dont want this darkness in me but I cant let go of it.

Layers and layers smothering my spirit, leaving me cold.
Never wanting me to find true love down the road?

A self defense mechanism perhaps..
Saving my heart, it surly adapts.

In time all will be well and forgotten or so I hope to find..
Leaving you, the bitterness and loneliness far behind.
Current Mood: blah

19th June 2005

lovesforsaken2512:59pm: I hate you Michael!! Why dont you just get out of my head...out of my heart! I want you to die to me! I want you to suffer! I want you to cry and mean it! I want you to feel the pain that you've caused..not only me but every girl who comes in contact with you!

Why did u do this to me? I hate hurting!

But I do thank you bc the hate you make me feel for you, makes me stronger! I makes me fight when i just dont want to anymore! I will do whatever it takes to spite you! If that means becoming who you thought you wanted me to be ..then I will. Only 20x's better.

One day you will stand within arms length and I will have 3 words for you...GO FUCK YOURSELF! I will love that i acutally mean them.

One DAy.

(think outloud)

16th June 2005

crimsonnicole8:02am: Eric,
I can't say that I regret you,
Or that I wish that we had never met.
I can't say that I wish that I had been smarter,
Or that I should have known better.
I can't say that I hate you,
Or that I wish you had gone away.
But I can say that I am glad I stood my ground,
That I finally knew where to draw the line.
You gave me one precious gift,
And through her you will be with me always.
Current Mood: sad

(3 thoughts | think outloud)

7th June 2005

inefable8:56am: Dax,

fuck you for thinking that you have so much power over me, that i would break in a second if you walked away. i had you once and lost you, and yea, it hurt like hell, but this time, im ready for it....i know that you cant give me what i want, and i wish you could, but im not going to let it shape me. you've just become another part, of another day.

so i go to bed, wake up, and forget you ever existed.

(think outloud)

23rd May 2005

crimsonnicole10:04am: I can't be friends with you. I kicked you out for a reason. I'm sure you've forgotten all you put me through with your drug induced stupor, but I remember. There were good times, yes. You screwed that up. I'm still not good at forgiving, but I'm working on it. You're no where near the top of the list for forgiveness. I don't want our kids to hang out either. Just because we have something in common again doesn't mean that I have any interest in rekindling a friendship. You're a little too screwed up for me, and my life is better without you in it. I still don't understand how you could betray me like that. I know that it was years ago now, but all of my pondering still doesn't offer an explanation. We were freinds and you hurt me, and lied to me, and hurt me again. I hope that you find peace in your life, but I won't be there with you.

(think outloud)

22nd April 2005

hey__itsrachel11:26pm: I'm mad at myself.

I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all... for not hating you which I know I should, but can't.
Current Mood: sad

(think outloud)

starstruckdream7:14pm: Maybe I'm just stupid, but I just keep crawling back. You're such a fucking whore, and no one sees it. You go and fuck your boyfriend every time you can, then you put on your halo and go straight back to church...don't you feel the least bit guilty???
You play your scene card, but you haven't been to a show in a year at least. So stop lying, and stop pretending that you're high and mighty...you're just a scared little girl inside...

And as much as you hate it, you're just like me.

(think outloud)

13th March 2005

lovesforsaken2511:22pm: Why?
Why are you doing this to me? Why are you telling me you want to be with me but there is no real effort to do so? Why do I have to worry about every damn thing? Why cant you step it up as a man? Why do I have to sit and wait for you to get your shit together? What makes you so damn special? Well apparently its something cuz Im the fool who falls for it over and over and over again. There is something about you, there always has been.

I hate you for making me want you so much! I hate you for dragging me along? I hate me for letting you get to me! I hate me for loving you! I hate myself for believing your lies. For loving someone I know is, more then likely, wrong for me. ~sighs~

BUT I do love you.... for your smile..your sense of humor..the way you use to give me sweet eyes...the way you call me baby when you know Im mad at you..the way you see life sometimes. You gave me so much strength. Your the reason I know I can do anything in life. You helped me release my spontenous side, something that ached for so long. You've done good for me and you've done bad. I feel this huge attachment when it comes to you. Like we've always been together, even when we werent. When we come together..its like we were always there.

Why cant I just hate you? How can I stop loving you after all these years? Im sick and so is our dreams together. I need to break this off...but I wont. :( You will have to break my heart, its the only way. =(

(5 thoughts | think outloud)

1st March 2005

severedspiral2:59am: You betrayed my trust. I've given you so much of my time, my heart, my input, my concern, and you've decided I'm unworthy of any such thing? You are the definition of a fair weather friend. I didn't deserve that. Now you don't deserve my worry. It probably means nothing to you to lose me - that's a waste of my life that I can't take back. Oh well. Have fun bad talking everyone you used to hang out with - I can't wait till the day you realize you're nothing.

(think outloud)

11th February 2005

severedspiral2:24pm: For you, the star of my life, there is so much to say but so little point in doing so. You mean everything to me still - no ocean was going to change that. Obviously I can't be the man you're looking for right now. You want to enjoy the thrills of youth for a while longer, and it's that fun loving spirit that drew my attention in the first place. I love everything about you and I'm so happy you're coming home - I hope my issues with your best friend and my former friend don't turn you away from me in the end. When you told me you were finally going to write me a letter I almost died - it made me feel important again. I miss you, and I eternally love you Natasha.

(2 thoughts | think outloud)

10th February 2005

monarch995:18pm: Dear disease,

I hate you. You consumed me. Starting in the sixth grade i was comparing my legs to other girls' and now look at me. I'm a mess. binging, purging, restricting.
On tuesday i came home and cried. but it wasn't the normal type of crying. I had so much pain inside, it actually hurt to cry. to talk. to breathe.
And i look at them, the girls in my group, and i see that they are skeletons. and you know the sad part? all i think is "i wish that were me. i wish that were me. why can't that be me??"
you made it so that i can't buy a pair of jeans without having a freaking panic attack. other girls think i'm odd when i don't like shopping. well, you're why. you fucking ass.
every day is a chore. all i do is beat myself up. internally, i'm horrible. i'm never good enough. and yet i try and build myself up to others so that i might, just might, get their approval.

all i want is acceptance, thanks to you. all i ever want is to be skinny. beautiful. they say that i am and i laugh. i really don't believe a damn word. some people say they're overwieght just to get people to tell them they're skinny. i hate it when people tell me that. it makes me hate them because i think they're lying, and how dare they lie?

i feel so alone. i don't even feel human. i can't relate to anyone. ever. i've never truly spilled my guts to anyone except...

except T. and fuck him, too. and his pretty little girl friend. i feel like such a prick for saying that, but honestly. T, you made me fall for you in every way. and you think that you are god's gift to women. You, with your perfect way of singing frank sinatra and dressing up in suits just because. You pride yourself in telling girls that you can satisfy any type. that you can get any of them to orgasm. somehow i fell for you, and you just let me hang there and die.

and this disease just seems to get worse no matter how much i try and recover.
these eating plans, this therapy, that medication... none of it is working.

fuck you, disease. and fuck you, t. for never caring and consuming my every breath.

but most of all. i still hate myself. because i let you degrade me and feel less-than. and i do. i honestly feel like i am not fit lick the dirt.

and the only thing that i can do is breathe and take one moment with the next. and i hate them all.

(think outloud)

14th January 2005

inefable8:41am: hey people...i started a new community. its called screwd_up

its for anyone who screws up. anyone who does something really stupid but they just cant tell anyone. for people who feel like fuck ups and they just need to know that they're not alone in their stupidity.

JOIN! yay.

(think outloud)

29th November 2004

starstruckdream9:01pm: i fucking hate you for this. I fucking hate you. i want to take out every little thing you love and string it in the street, and stomp on it. cut it to pieces. to string your insides out for everyone to see. because it's what you've done to me. you think you're "helping" but you're just killing me. and when you look up and I'm gone, you're gonna regret the things you've done. I'm gonna make you regret this. all of this.


(think outloud)

18th October 2004

inefable10:57am: Julie,

im sorry that we lost contact. im sorry that i didnt try harder to find out why. im sorry that i didnt read your story and let you know that it was amazing. im sorry i wasnt a better friend.

im sorry that i had to wait until you were dead to tell you that im sorry.


(2 thoughts | think outloud)

18th September 2004

mininavy10:39am: Andrea,

Even though I totally undrestand why, I'm still hurt. I really thought you were the one person who understood what I was going through and where my mind was at. Even though it was a dark depressed place, a place where no hope or kindness could enter I thought that you got it. And maybe you do and maybe it's too much to deal with but I wish you well and hope and pray one day we can be frineds again.


(think outloud)

22nd August 2004


(think outloud)

14th August 2004

mr_oogle3:14pm: I joined for one purpose: His name is Nova, and i will Always have something to say to him
under a cut because it's so long.Collapse )

(think outloud)

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